As could be attested to by anyone who knows me or has spoken to me briefly or has sat next to me on a bus (yeah, like I’d ride a bus…), my not-so-secret ambition in life is rapid world conquest followed by peaceful world domination. My vision for the future is one in which my benign and benevolent dictatorship has ended all world problems and placed large marble statues of myself in most larger parks.

As you can no doubt imagine, this whole ‘war on terror’ thing kinda puts a damper on that. Apparently world domination is some kind of a frickin’ taboo now. Go figure.

Anyway. I’ve been thinking, and you know what? World domination would be, to use the technical term, a huge fucking pain in the ass. So to hell with it. You bastards don’t deserve my iron-fisted rule, any more than you deserve the utopian paradise that would no doubt result from my watchful eye and fervent desire to erase Barney the dinosaur from the annals of history.

And I mean that literally. Upon taking final control I would set up a small section of the world, say, Japan, as a research lab devoted to advanced temporal manipulation technology, with the singular goal of erasing that thrice-damned satan-spawned purple extinct menace from the history of time. That, and maybe trying to bring a young copy of Barbara Eden into the present. Because, you know, she was hot back in the day. I’m just sayin’.

So this is the end. No longer shall I seek to follow in the footsteps of great men like Lex Luthor, Doctor Evil, or The Brain – Except, obviously, I would only be following in their footsteps up to a point, and then, you know extrapolating onward from there – instead I shall use my awe-inspiring super powers, like memorizing song lyrics and quoting Ghostbusters, for Good, rather than Evil.

And maybe I’ll turn my weapons of mass destruction into Mars probes. It’s time somebody competent took a stab at sending something to Mars.

Hey, maybe I could conquer Mars…